Naked by David Sedaris

Author:David Sedaris [SEDARIS, DAVID]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, azw3
ISBN: 9780316073622
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
Published: 2009-05-03T16:00:00+00:00

c.o.g.

The bus from North Carolina to Oregon takes four days, which breaks down to roughly seventy-five thousand hours if one is traveling without the aid of a strong animal tranquilizer. It was my fate that any AWOL marines, tear-stained runaways, or drunken parolees would sit so close that on the off chance they might pass out, I was guaranteed to collect their bubbling saliva on the collar of my shirt. Books and magazines offered no relief. Failing to act even as a shield, their presence attracted everything from mild curiosity to open hostility.

“You think you’re going to learn something from a book?” the man said, punching my headrest with his tattooed knuckles. “Let me tell you a little something, bookworm, if you really want to learn the truth, there’s only one place to do it: Chatham Correctional Institute. That’s the best fucking school in this whole stinking country. It taught me everything I know and then some. Hell, you’ll learn more on this goddamned bus than you would in a whole…” He paused, attempting to recall the name given to such a place. “You’ll learn more here than in a whole pyramid full of books. You could fill a racetrack with every piece of shit ever written, but you’ll learn more right here.”

Having never seen a racetrack full of books, I thought it premature to contradict him. “You could be right,” I said, regarding the scars that ornamented his battered, sunburned face. “Pretty close to your stop, are we? If not, I can move across the aisle and give you some room to stretch out.”

“I told him yes,” the girl said, taking the seat beside me. “I said, ‘You’re goddamned right I’m having this fucking baby.’ I said I’d have this stinking piece of shit whether he wanted to be the fucking daddy or not.” She paused to wipe her snubbed nose with a kneesock she carried exclusively for this purpose.

“I said, ‘I already took four years of this shit from Big T, and if you think I’m going to stand here and take any more, you can bend down on your knobby knees and lick the hairs on my shit-scabbed asshole, motherfucker.’ I told him, ‘I’m through fucking around with a white-faced nigger too busy chasing bush pussy to get up off his fat fucking asshole and find his self a motherfucking job.’ I let him have it, I really did.

“I said, ‘Motherfucker, you haven’t got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out of your mama’s tattered old pussy, grabbed hold of her milk-stained titties, and you ain’t never looked back, mother-fucker.’ I said, ‘If you don’t want this baby, then I’ll find some son of a bitch who does, someone who don’t look at the world through the slit of his shit-blistered, faggoty-assed, worm-sized dick.’ I said, ‘This baby might be a bastard, but I can guaran-fucking-tee you it won’t be half the bastard its daddy is, you motherfucking bastard, you! You can

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